Wanderings: a short songfic
by Macilwen
Summary: A one-shot look into Maglor's mind, with the poem "The Sea of My Wanderings" in it


Many thanks to Maglor, my muse. This is his story. The song in this I wrote myself; you can find the original under "Poetry by Mac."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
Wandering: a song fiction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know why I went with my brother Maedhros to take the Silmarils. It was a fool's errand, and I knew it. I allowed myself to be persuaded by him. I see now that that was my undoing. Not only did it put myself in danger, it also placed Elrond and Elros, Eärendil's twin children who are in my care, into danger of their very lives.

Ah, Elrond and Elros. I love the twins as if they were my very own, and I believe that they have come to love me. Their sorrow will be unmeasured when they hear of my treachery.

__

Wandering the shores of the sea  
Lamenting what I have seen  
Bound to this land  
Belariand  
Teaching my heart how to weep.

I am bound to this land. The Silmaril would not stand the touch of my hand, because my hand is still tainted from the Kinslaying. Ai, I bitterly rue that deed! Would that I could go back and change it!

__

If I had known what would be  
I would not now be by the sea  
My path would have changed  
But is it not strange?  
I'm bound to the shores of the sea.

The shores of the very sea that the Teleri sailed. Alas that these evil days should be mine!

The torment of the Silmaril was unbearable. I threw it into the sea, and am now left wandering: wandering, forever and anon, out of reach of joy and love.

__

Sing of joy, Eldar!  
Tell of laughter, Valar!  
Here there is no joy, no happiness  
Tears rule the sea of my wanderings.

I am bound to this sea; I will never be able to face my adopted children again, never be welcome in Valinor. I am bound here, bound like a prisoner, but I still wonder – I wonder if there is still a chance for my redemption.

__

Wandering . . .   
Wondering . . .   
Will I e'er truly be free?  
Wondering . . .   
Wandering . . .   
Will my path lead from the sea?

My only comfort is in my lament. O, I would that I were mortal and could leave the confines of this world! I know that that can never be; I am left here, left here until the ending of this world, in a place devoid of all happiness.

__

Sing of love, Eldar!   
Tell of happiness, Valar!  
Here there is no joy, no happiness.  
Sorrow rules the sea of my wanderings.

Wandering . . .  
Wondering . . .  
Will I e'er truly be free?  
Wondering . . .   
Wandering . . .   
Will my path lead from the sea?

No. My path will never lead from the sea. I would that I had the courage to throw myself into the sea after the Silmaril! Alas, that courage is not mine. I will stay on the shores, with my living death. And I will wander, and I will wonder as I wander, under the stars of Elbereth, what dark fate caused the Silmarils to be made. What fate drove my father to make those ill-fated jewels?

__

Wandering . . .   
Wondering . . .   
What caused those jewels to be made?  
Wondering . . .   
Wandering . . .  
What cause was it? Was it fate?

It was my father's desire for his work to surpass Aulë's, that's what it was. The desire of a doomed Noldo. Why could he not have been satisfied with surpassing the others of our kind? surpassing the Teleri? the Eldar? No, he had to surpass all of those and Aulë, as well. And look where it brought me!

__

Wandering the shores of the sea  
Lamenting what I have seen  
Bound to this land  
Belariand  
Teaching my heart how to weep.

That's where it brought me. To this shore and I'm bound here until the end of days!

What was it that Estë was always saying? Ah yes, "Forgive, forgive always." I forgive the spirit of my father. **Father, I forgive you! I love you, and will until the ending of the world!**

I will not forget. I will not be able to forget. I cannot forget the Kinslaying. Neither the first, which was my father's fault, nor the second, which my brother and I caused. Ai! I could have changed my path! 

__

If I had known what would be  
I would not now be nigh the sea.  
My path would have changed  
But is it not strange?  
I'm bound to the shores of the sea.

The very sea into which fair Elwing – ah, Elwing! More fair than any of the Elf-queens! Fairer even than Luthien! Fairest of the fair! – threw herself, the Silmaril upon her breast. Ai, my heart was rent in two when Maedhros told me that. He was angry because the Silmaril was lost. And here was the Elf whom I loved, thrown herself into the sea, and all he cared about was the Silmaril! 

But still, as Manwe always said, "Forgive; forgive always." **I forgive you, Maedhros! I wish you no harm, and may your grief be less bitter than mine!**

I wonder what has happened to Maedhros? Here I am again, wondering as Tilion shines down on the sea, with Elbereth's stars also giving light. I am much given to wondering.

__

Wandering . . .   
Wondering . . .   
Will I e'er truly be free?  
Wondering . . .   
Wandering . . .   
Will my path lead from the sea?

I already know that it will not, so why do I still wonder? While I'm wondering, why don't I just wonder about things like why Tilion's vessel is imperfect? Or why the stars are in that certain arrangement? Or what has happened to my brother? Am I the only one of the House of Feanor who is left?

Bitterness will get me nowhere. I will stay here, with my wanderings and wonderings, until the end of days.

__

Wandering the shores of the sea  
Lamenting what I have seen  
Bound to this land  
Belariand  
Teaching my heart how to weep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Again, many thanks to Maglor. The questions asked by Maglor in the second-last paragraph proper it all have answers. I will answer the last two: He threw himself into a fiery chasm; and Maglor was indeed the last of the House of Feanor.

Namarie,  
Mac


End file.
